To Hell and Back: Knowing What is Truly Important

He whom Allah guides is the [rightly] guided, but he whom 

He leaves astray - never will you find for him a protecting guide.

 [Surat al-Kahf 18:17]

The last 6 months have been just short of hell for me. My life as a new Muslim hasn't been an easy one. But I decided to cave in on the marriage issue back in November. I talked with a few brothers for the purpose of marriage. I swear it reminds me of an interview...interviewing for a spouse. I decided that I would do everything to the Fiqh of Marriage or as close as possible. So in December I decided on a spouse. We married quietly, without delay. I was quite happy until the day he left, which was about 5 weeks after we married. He was supposed to start building us a life in Florida. I even started working.

Then I got the call that he had to go back to Egypt and he was going to divorce me. You see, I can't leave the country with my son and I wasn't going to abandon my son. His family needed him in Egypt. So what to do? I won't go to much into everything that transpired because mainly it is none of anyone's business but our own. Needless to say, I was devastated. I felt humiliated. It has to be one of the shortest marriages on record.

On top of that, I was dealing with things at my new job that I never thought I would. Now mind you, I asked in the job interview if wearing hijab would be a problem and they said that it would be no problem at all. That wasn't the case at all. Sure, it was fine at first. But then there was some of the customers' reactions. Some refused to checkout in my lane. Others got looks of horror. Others were vocally abusive and disrespectful. I honestly looked forward to seeing the Muslims who came through my lane, it was a reprieve from the abuse I endured from others.

Then some of the employees started in. At first, it was respectful questions about the hijab and Islam. I am willing to talk to anyone about Islam who asks but then they became disrespectful and some even verbally insulting and abusive. I was starting to hate going to work, but I pressed on.

On top of it all, there was a two week period, the same time frame of my husband telling me he was divorcing me and going back to Egypt, where things escalated. I was attacked physically on 3 separate occasions. I tried turning to some of the sisters for support and guidance but all I got was "Well, you are American so you can always take off the hijab." I was shocked. I felt no support, well except from a couple of revert sisters one of which went through a similar attack.

Back to the work topic, it was brought to my attention that my hijab was causing and issue and management wasn't happy. I even overheard on two separate occasions that there had been numerous complaints about my hijab from customers and other employees saying it didn't follow dress code standard. Then it always went into them talking about finding ways to "let me go" without it seeming like it was because I wore hijab. 

At this point, I was and am stressed out. As it is salah was becoming increasing difficult to keep up with due to the way they scheduled me and praying at work was not permitted. Now, I have to worry about losing my job. I took off the hijab for awhile. It honestly felt weird. I hated it. On top of that, every time I saw a Muslima in the store with her hijab or niqab I just wanted to bust out crying that I had to give up mine for a job. And of course it is an automatic reaction now to smile and say, "Asalamu alaikum". This caused confused then judgmental reactions from the some of the Muslims I encountered in the store, even though they had no idea what I was going through. 

Then my best friend asked me the following questions:

• Why did you wear hijab? 
•  Who made you take it off?
• Who or what do you fear most?

Never once did my best friend give me any kind of judgment....only asked questions designed to make me think. It was the last question that a light bulb went off in my head. I only fear Allah. So I put my hijab back on. It felt good. But then more judgment from my Muslim peers came. Stuff like, "Either wear it or don't. You can't keep flip flopping." Wow. Great support there, dear brothers and sisters. Thanks a lot. {sarcasm} 

I even stood my ground when one of the assistant managers called us all to the conference room. He was pissed about getting his butt chewed so he was going to yell at us. However, he started the meeting by saying...no, shouting...a good dozen times, "This is going to be a coming to Jesus meeting! All of you are coming to Jesus...TONIGHT!" Now, being raised Southern Baptist, I understood the phrase meaning. It means basically a wake up call but I still found it offensive. I mean I have the utmost respect for the Prophet Jesus (pbuh), but I also know that Christian worship him as a deity. So I raised my hand to get his attention and said the following:

"Excuse me, but if this is a 'coming to Jesus' meeting, I am going to have to recuse myself. According to my own religious beliefs that is associating partners with Allah...God...which is considered shirk...a major sin, which Allah is clear in the Qur'an that it will cast my soul to hellfire."


He was in shock and apologized. My co-workers came up to me throughout the rest of the shift showing support for what I did and thought it was awesome. Even the pagan who works the same aisle as me said he wanted to shout "Allahu akhbar". Turns out, just a few days ago, on my night off the same manager called another meeting and started with the same 'coming to Jesus' speech. 

Still under pressure of losing my job and with no support from the sisters and brothers in my local ummah, I took the hijab off again. I hit rock bottom emotionally and spiritually. Even my best friend had to leave to go back home to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. On top of it all, all I keep hearing from my Muslim sisters and brothers is that I should leave Islam. So...yeah...rock bottom. 


This same manager, that is all about 'coming to Jesus', and I had a conversation just a few days ago when someone told me he changed the schedule and schedule me for Friday. I told him it was a Holy day for me and I refuse to work it because it is in my availability of "unavailable". He said he would change it back. Now, last night I see that he has scheduled me again for Friday. Apparently the only holy day in his mind that counts is Sunday. Luckily my grocery manager caught it and crossed it out for me. He is awesome like that and actually supports my belief even if it isn't his own. But regardless, the assistant manager has me now only scheduled for 16 hours. 

Last night I stumbled upon a khutbah by Mufti Menk before work. I cried with a heavy heart. Something had to give. 

I made the decision before I went into work that I would only work for 2 maybe 3 more weeks. I began to think when did I begin to be torn away so badly from Allah? It was around the time that I started working this job.

Of course, with the many recent developments from working last night I have decided that if I am not fired already I will work up until the night before the night of Ramadan. I am going to focus on Allah. I am going to revive my faith this Ramadan. Everyone always asks me "What do you really want?" or "What really makes you happy?". It may not be a popular answer, but worshiping Allah is what gives me happiness and contentment. I will probably get a lot of grief for quitting (or getting fired) my job but luckily I won't have to answer to them on judgment day. Subhanallah! {Reference the video around 25:03.}

No, I have no idea where the income will come from at this point but I have faith in Allah. Nothing happens but by the will of Allah! [Surat at-Tawbah 9:51]

Just this morning as I come home, I sit down to write an email. Now keep in mind, I haven't had the settings on my prayer app to sound the athan for a couple of months now. But, lo and behold, as I type...the athan goes off. Wallahi, it is a sign from Allah. As I struggled with thoughts for the last 12+ hours Allah answered...go to prayer. And even in the lecture I have posted above, Mufti Menk mentions, "One of the ways to strengthen our link with Allah is to ask for forgiveness on a daily basis...it is important for us to ask for Allah's forgiveness on a daily basis..." {Reference the video around 26:16}

So here it is...7 months later, I am tattered, torn, broken and shattered but Allah is and will always be in my heart. May Allah allow guidance for me and may Allah allow this Ramadan to strengthen my faith and safeguard me from the people and circumstances that shaytan brings my way that tries to tear me away from my Rab (my Lord). May Allah give me strength despite people's attempt to bring me away from Him.